3 Ways To Cultivate A Healthy Marriage

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Having a healthy marriage or other committed relationship is a subject that often comes up in my sessions with clients.  It is something we all need to work on on a regular basis and is crucial to our well-being and happiness.  Here are 3 perspectives that can be helpful in cultivating a healthy marriage.

1) Avoid The Comparison Trap 
When we are having a fight with our spouse or are going through a challenging period, it can be very easy to fall into the trap of comparing our relationship to others’ relationships.  We can put a magnifying glass on what is “wrong” with our spouse or our relationship and see around us examples of people or couples that we imagine have better relationships.  This comparing can make us feel even more discontent and dissatisfied.

But the truth is that *every* relationship has struggles.  Even the couple on Facebook that always looks so happy and loving in their photos?  Yep, even them.  Even the couple you know who’ve been married for 30 years and seem perfectly suited to each other in every way?  Yep, even them.  Even the couple that insists that their relationship is great? Yep, even them.  *Every* relationship has challenges.

I’m not sharing this to be depressing, I’m sharing it because I think it is crucial to take off the rose colored glasses when it comes to other relationships, and instead focus on the strengths in our relationships and the unique path we have to walk together.  We can’t see all the great things that are possible in our marriage if we are constantly looking at other people’s relationships.

2) Look For What You Love
When we are in the midst of a challenging time with our partner and we feel hurt and misunderstood, it can be very hard to bump ourselves out of that negative place and into a more positive, productive place.  But, I’ve discovered in my own life and in my work with clients that doing so can become much easier with practice.

So, for example, if I feel my husband hasn’t acknowledged something important to me, I will feel hurt.  It is very easy for me to act from that place of hurt and say things that will make him feel defensive.  For example, I could say, “You never listen to me the way I want you to listen to me!” or “Why can’t you be more considerate?”

But if I can step back, take a deep breath and remember that we are a team and need to work on things together, I can bump into a different perspective.  I can remember all the things I love about him.  I can remember all the times he does listen to me the way I need him to.  From this perspective, I can say something that is much more likely to result in what I actually want, which is to have him realize what I need and help me meet that need.  I could say, “You know, I really love it when you listen to me in a focused way.  When we are too busy and that doesn’t happen, I really miss it and I feel upset.  Can we try this again?”

3) Have Compassion For Each Other & For The Relationship
Being in a committed relationship is one of the most beautiful and growthful experiences we can have in this lifetime.  Because having a long-term relationship requires constant effort and growth, there are necessarily wonderful times and there are challenging times.  When we are in a difficult period, it can be very helpful to stop blaming each other, take a step back, and say, “Hey, we are having a rough time right now.  Every couple goes through rough times.  Going through this is hard for both of us.  Let’s take a minute to just have compassion for each other and for our relationship.  Since we have some problems to solve, let’s try to solve them together rather than being at odds with one another.”

Along with this, it can be incredibly helpful to do an exercise in which you see your relationship as as its own entity, in need of its own things to flourish.  So, for example when you are having a disagreement, and it feels like you are butting heads, you can try saying, “OK, this isn’t productive.  Our relationship needs some mending right now.  What does our relationship need?”  You may find it needs more compassion, more input of love and fun, or some help from a professional.  Taking the focus off of either one of the people in the relationship and onto the relationship itself can be a great way become a team again and have compassion for each other.

Job Satisfaction: Do You Love Your Work?

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You may have seen this video that’s been circulating around Facebook and Twitter of a drummer who is VERY into the music.  It is hilarious to see him completely rocking out when the music is actually pretty mellow.  Check it out and you’ll see what I mean….

But on a serious note, I think this guy is very inspiring.  He is an excellent example of someone who really, really, really loves his work.  He is completely enjoying himself and giving everything he possibly can to the performance and to his band mates. Who wouldn’t love to feel as passionate about their work?

As a coach, I work with people to help them find meaningful and fulfilling work.  Each person’s situation is unique and complex and certainly can’t be fully addressed in an article, but here are a few ideas to help you bring passion back into your work….or to help you find passionate work for the first time.  After all, this life is short and you have a special role to play.  It is time to find your calling!

Some people know they don’t like their current work but aren’t sure what they really want to do in life.  If this is your situation, you can start learning about what you enjoy by journaling about some of your favorite experiences.  Reflect on your life and the times you’ve felt most alive and fulfilled.  What were you doing at those times?  Who were you with, or were you alone? What kind of environment were you in?  Why was this experience important to you?  Reflections like this can provide a way to start identifying what is fulfilling to you.

Some people already know where their true passion lies but haven’t pursued it because of fear, lack of funds, or other perceived barriers.  If this is your situation, you can start moving toward your passion by taking small steps.  One step today means you are closer to your passion than you were yesterday!  There are many ways to start.  For example, you could start by researching more about your chosen career and applying what you learn in your everyday life.  In other words, start building your skills. And, even if you don’t currently have the funds or time to go to school for what you want to do, you can start building connections by asking for informational interviews with people who work in your chosen field.  Learn as much as you can!

Some people feel they are in the right field but have lost their “spark” and feel stuck or burned out.  If this is your situation, think back to when you started your work and felt excited about it.  What drew you to this work?  What have been your best experiences with it?  How can you bring some of that passion back into your work now? You can also examine the barriers that may be causing problems.  Is there an interpersonal challenge at work that you don’t know how to solve?  Are you taking care of yourself or is your health suffering and bringing your mood and energy down?  Are family or other challenges outside of work affecting your experience at work?   Identifying any challenges that are getting in the way is the first step towards solving them.  You can ask for help to work on any of these issues.  After all, this is YOUR life and you need to be at your best to fulfill your purpose.

And finally, some people have found a balance between work that pays the bills and work that they truly love.  I admire people who have found a way to pursue their passion even if that passion doesn’t make enough money for them to live on.  For many, having a job that funds the time they can spend on their true passion is a powerful way to fulfill their purpose.  Of course it’s great to earn a living by your calling, but some people actually prefer to not have to depend on their calling for money.  They find that it gives them more freedom to pursue their passion in a way they desire. For example, I’ve worked with several artists who love their craft, but don’t want the lifestyle it takes to make a living exclusively from that craft.  A musician may love the experience of performing and the experience of creating, but doesn’t want the constant travel, late nights, and social networking that is required to make a living from her music.  Many for whom this is true have found a way to continue to make music and share it that allows them to also be home and with family.

As you can see, there is always a way to bring more of what you love into your life.  Wishing you work that you truly love!

Setting Goals That Thrill & Inspire You

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As a coach, I work with my clients to support them in setting effective and inspiring goals for their lives.  There are many resources that give helpful advice on the mechanics of how to create effective goals.

For example, it is very helpful to create “SMART” goals with the following qualities:

  • S=Specific  (Who will achieve this goal, what will be achieved, where will it be achieved, when will it be achieved, what is the purpose of the goal?)
  • M=Measurable  (How will you know when you’ve reached your goal?)
  • A=Attainable (Do you have what you need to reach this goal?)
  • R=Realistic (What experience do you have with similar goals?  Do your goal and timeframe seem achievable?)
  • T=Timely (What is your specific time-frame for achieving this goal?)

There is no doubt that mechanics such as these are important.

But I’ve discovered that the most important part of creating goals is to make goals that truly thrill and inspire you.  If your goals don’t do this, they feel mechanical and you are much less likely to feel motivated to achieve them.  You have one life, so why not live it according to goals that feel truly compelling?

To create truly compelling goals, first allow yourself the time and space to explore how you would really like things to be.  If your goal is to clean your house more often, you might ask yourself questions such as these:

How do I really want my house to look and feel? (Really give yourself a moment to visualize and imagine how it would feel.)

If my house looked and felt that way, what would be different in my life?

What is it costing me to NOT have the house I envision?

What is my goal really about?  In other words, what is most important to me about this goal?

After exploring these questions you might find yourself moving from the goal of “cleaning my house once a week” to the more compelling goal of “cleaning my house once a week in order to create an environment of beauty and clarity in which my family and I can thrive”.   You are now in touch with the mental image of your completed goal, the feelings you will have when you reach it, and the true importance of your goal for your life.  Referencing these factors throughout your project will provide you with the focus and inspiration you need to complete it.

Try approaching your goal-setting from this perspective and see what shifts for you.  And if you find you need a coach to help you see things from a fresh perspective and help you articulate your ideas, contact me.

Your Unique Life Purpose

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At various times in our lives we all wonder, “Why am I here?  What is the purpose of my life?”

Certainly religious writings, spiritual practices, and life experiences provide many of us with powerful and crucial information about why we are here.  Many of us use this information to give us a general framework about our purpose that helps us make decisions about our lives.

But on a micro-level, I believe we each have a specific purpose that is unique.  This unique purpose lives within the general framework that you’ve adopted for your life (as I mentioned above), but it speaks to your particular qualities, callings, and passions and can help you live your life in the most meaningful way possible.

What if you could learn why you, specifically you, are here? 

YOU CAN.

I regularly help my clients to discover and articulate their unique life purpose.  Like a guiding north star, this purpose helps people stay on track in life, make wise decisions, and feel truly fulfilled.

In a previous post I discussed getting in touch with and living from the true self.  Your true self not only knows what your life purpose is, it can also guide you to fulfill that purpose.

I take clients through a specific process in order to discover their unique life purpose.  Many are surprised that they are able to articulate their life purpose despite not being able to identify it previously.  Coaching gives you the space to truly listen to the wisdom inside and discover things you didn’t even know you knew!  Even though I’ve been a coach for years, I am still awed, amazed, and inspired by the beauty and strength that lives within each human being.

Try thinking about the idea that you have a unique life purpose and that it is absolutely possible to discover it.  See what this idea evokes in you.

And if you are ready to discover and live according to your unique life purpose, contact me.

Transform Your Life With Compassionate Curiosity

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Watching my baby boy discover the world is a constant reminder of one of the most powerful tools for personal growth that we are all born with: curiosity. Curiosity implies an eagerness to explore and learn.

Learning to apply a sense of compassionate curiosity to yourself and to your relationships can be truly transformative. I’ve written before about how most people tend to be quite harsh with themselves. This can be very harmful and lead to feeling sad, depressed, stuck, or angry.

Instead of being harsh or judgmental with yourself, practice being curious. For example, if you are feeling bad about a mistake you made, instead of harshly judging yourself and thinking, “Ugh, I am such a loser, why did I do that?!?”, practice saying, “Hmmm. So that wasn’t my best moment, but I am curious about what led me to make that choice? How can I support myself in making a different choice next time? How can I move on from this episode in a way that feels healing for me?”

This kind of thinking doesn’t come naturally to most of us. We have to practice it and truly work on cultivating a habit of being compassionately curious about our lives, our choices, and our needs. Creating this kind of “environment” within one’s self is a revolutionary change for most people. It helps them feel lighter, able to make changes, and able to be kind to themselves and to others more easily. It is as if a huge weight has been lifted from their shoulders and they feel free to enjoy their lives and the people in it.

We can also apply compassionate curiosity to our relationships. Instead of jumping to judge our partner for a choice he or she has made, we can stop ourselves and get curious. What are some possible reasons he or she might have made this choice? Often when we jump to conclusions about others we are harsher than we want to be, and we regret it later. If we can practice really listening to and learning from others, we can create a very unifying, safe, loving “environment” in our relationships and families.

Here are a couple of exercises to practice sharpening your curiosity skills.

Take something you like, such as a favorite song, and spend a few minutes enjoying it. Then practice asking curious questions about it. For example, you might listen to your favorite song and ask the following questions:

“What is this song about?”

“I wonder what the songwriter was going though when she wrote this?”

“I wonder what the recording process was like?”

“I wonder what other listeners think of this song and if there are other people who feel the same way about it that I do?”

See how many curious questions and thoughts you can come up with!

Next, practice being curious with your partner or a friend. Ask them about their day and get really curious about it. You might ask:

“How was your day today?”

“What was the best thing you experienced today?”

“What was the toughest moment?”

“What was that like for you?”

“How do you feel now?”

(This is a very fun exercise. We all love to feel that people are truly interested in us!)

I create a compassionate and curious environment with my clients in each coaching session. It gives clients a chance to really experience how this feels and develop the ability to create this environment within themselves and with others. Have you ever experienced a truly compassionate and curious environment?

4 Ways To Understand & Move Past Procrastination

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One of the most common challenges I’m asked about is procrastination.  People often feel guilty, frustrated, and self-judgmental about procrastinating and want to find a way to stop doing it.

My best advice for working through procrastination is to first understand why you are procrastinating.  Without this awareness, steps taken to stop procrastinating may not be very effective.  Procrastinating doesn’t mean you are lazy or lame.  It means there is something getting in your way.  If you can find out what that is, you can take steps to move forward.  Here are 4 common reasons people procrastinate and tips to help you move past it.

One of the most common reasons for procrastinating is thinking that we have to be perfect. Often we tell ourselves that we have to “hit it out of the park” on the first try.  You may not even be aware that you are feeling this pressure until you ask yourself if you are. Here is a trick to work through this perfection pressure.  First, remember that every single project always has several drafts or attempts before it is finished.  Imperfection is a necessary part of every project.  Give yourself the challenge of creating the most imperfect first attempt at your project possible.  It actually should not be good at all.  Aim for mediocrity!  Doing this helps you move from a judgmental and frightened frame of mind into a playful frame of mind.  It also helps you get started and, in the process, you may find that what you have to do is not as bad as you feared.

Another of the most common reasons for procrastinating is fear: fear of failure, fear of success, fear of not doing well enough, fear of how people may judge us.  Many people are not aware that they feel fear until they take a closer look.  Ask yourself, “What am I worried about related to this project I keep putting off?”  See what comes up as you think about this question.  You may find that you are having thoughts that are sending you into a state of worry that makes you want to avoid your project.  In order to work through this worry, ask yourself what you are most worried about, and then actually “counsel” yourself the way you would a dear friend in the same position.  For example, if you feel you are going to look foolish when you start your task, tell yourself what you would tell a friend who felt that way.  Maybe you would help your friend talk about what she needs to do to feel prepared and confident, and then you would encourage her.  Do this for yourself!  Keep doing this for each worry that you identify within yourself.

A third common reason for procrastinating is feeling overwhelmed.  A great way to help with this is to break down what you need to do into smaller steps.  It may be that the first step to getting your task done is to plan how you will do it.  (And often planning how you will do something is a less intimidating first step than actually doing it!)  Maybe your first step is thinking about the task for a while.  Many creative tasks require you to have some time to mull things over first.  This isn’t procrastinating; it is actually very productive mental activity!

To break your task down into steps, pretend you are telling a friend how to do your task.  Share what you would do to prepare, what comes next, and how you will know when you are finished.  You can also break steps down into smaller steps.  For example, if you are having trouble getting started on a term paper, set a timer for 10 minutes and only allow yourself to work for that amount of time.  You may find when it is over that you want to keep going!  You can also set up rewards for yourself after you finish various steps to keep yourself motivated. And just think how great you will feel when you are finished!

And finally, sometimes we procrastinate because we really don’t want to do something for a deeper reason.  If you are experiencing a lot of stressors in your life, you may find yourself procrastinating more.  The remedy for this is to examine your life and find ways to make your whole life feel less stressful and overwhelming.  This will free up your time and energy and you will approach things with a lighter heart.

Another deeper reason for procrastinating is that the action you feel pressured to take goes against your values.  Maybe you are in a job that clashes with who you are and the tasks feel more and more difficult to accomplish.  It may be time to examine other opportunities for work in your life.

These situations are more complex to resolve, but very important to pay attention to.  Sometimes, procrastination is a sign that we need to make some important changes.

Beyond Self-Help: The Secret To True & Lasting Change

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We live in a time of increasing consciousness about personal growth and self-help.  More self-help books, Oprah-inspired television shows, and inspirational blogs crop up every day.  There’s no doubt that these developments help millions of people overcome challenges and grow personally, and I am thankful to be living in this day and age.

But there is a flip-side to this trend that we don’t often talk about; that when these self-help resources don’t help us enough, we feel terrible about ourselves. New clients often come to me after they’ve read a lot of books on the challenges they are facing, and feeling as if they’ve tried to work through their challenges on their own, but it wasn’t enough. In fact, they sometimes feel they even know what they have to do to improve their situation, but the knowledge just isn’t enough.  They see these things work for people on Dr. Phil and read about success stories, and they feel the same things “should” work for them.  By the time they come to me, they often feel defeated, worried that their situation is hopeless, and as if something is seriously wrong with them.

The truth is that no situation is hopeless and the same instinct that inspired them to read those books will reveal the answers they need if they are given the space to interact with that instinct.  Knowledge and awareness are wonderful and essential.  But, most often, we need more than knowledge and awareness to grow and change.  This is particularly true with some of our biggest, most chronic challenges in life.

What we need in order to truly change and grow is to have learning experiences.  Not just insights, but experiences.  In my coaching work, I help clients put their insights into action during sessions and between sessions.  This is the way to gain effective tools that you can use for the rest of your life to overcome challenges and feel fulfilled.  You have to have experiences with your true self in order to be able to listen to it and live according to its wisdom.

Do you find yourself feeling angry a lot and taking it out on the people you love?  Do you wonder if you are just a terrible person?  You’re not.  And the wisest part of you knows exactly why you are angry AND how to help you heal that anger.

Do you find yourself avoiding something difficult in your life? Or maybe you’ve been avoiding something you really want?  Are you wondering if something’s wrong with you? There’s nothing wrong with you AND your true self knows why you are avoiding AND how to help you move forward.

Do you feel lost?  Overwhelmed?  Exhausted?  Stuck?  Your true self knows exactly how to remedy these situations.

The first step in changing is to believe that this is possible; that you have inside of you a wise, strong true self that can guide you through every situation. No matter what you’ve been through or how many unsuccessful attempts to change that you’ve had, your true self is inside of you, pure and wise, with all the wisdom you need.

If this seems hard to believe, don’t worry.  Many people feel that this is too good to be true at first.  But I KNOW from every client I’ve ever worked with (and from personal experience), that this is absolutely true.  The true self always speaks and guides, even for people who don’t think it will work for them.  That is how powerful the true self is!

Practice living with this idea and see what it evokes in you.

And if you are ready to live according to the wisdom of your true self, contact me.

Do You Care Too Much About What Other People Think?

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To some degree we all care about what other people think of us. In moderation, this can be a good thing. It enables us to connect with others and be respectful of others’ needs and ideas.

But many of us, especially many women (myself included—I’ve had to work on this in my life), find ourselves caring too much about what other people think of us. We want other people to like us and find ourselves spending an inordinate amount of time and energy thinking about it and acting out of this desire. Sometimes we live for years not realizing just how much time and energy we are spending on what other people think about us. Sometimes we are aware that we care too much about what other people think, but we don’t know how to stop.

The reason that it is so dangerous to care too much about what others think is that it puts us in the control of others. When others’ opinions of us become our guiding motivation, we can allow their perceptions of us to shape what we do and how we feel. If we aren’t careful and aware, this can lead to us living lives that we don’t really want. The things we think we are choosing, are actually things we think others want us to be, and many of our choices go unexamined by us. When our main goal is to have others like us, we can’t think as fully or critically about our choices and we can’t fully explore the path we are meant to live.

This is sad because you have a true self that has a unique purpose and perspective and a unique way to be of service in the world. If you don’t operate from that, you aren’t fulfilling your purpose. What a loss! We only get one life, and the moments go quickly. It is sad to look back in later years and realize there were many years when you didn’t live as consciously as you could.

And if others around us want unhealthy things for us, and we want them to like us, we may end up doing things that are very unhealthy for us. This can have short-term and long-term consequences. You’ve been entrusted with this life, and you are the only one who can live it the way you are meant to.

So how do you stop? Start by acknowledging how deeply you want others to like you and ask yourself why this is so important to you. Maybe you discover that you have a deep fear of being alone. Maybe you find that thinking about others helps you avoid thinking about something painful from your past. Maybe it is something else. But once you are aware of the need or hurt that is fueling your desire to please others, you can start to heal that hurt and meet that need in a healthy, lasting way.

Then examine what it is costing you to live your life according to what other people think. What are you missing out on by living this way? How would your life be different if you lived according to your own inner compass, your own needs, your own dreams?

How Can You “Hold On” To Positive Changes In Your Life?

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Seeing that you’ve made important changes in your life is joyful and exciting.  But do you ever find yourself worrying that your positive changes might just be temporary and you’ll fall back into your old ways?

Me, too.

And it is one of the most common things I hear my clients say when we are celebrating their growth and achievements.  When they share their new insights and progress they are excited and happy, but then they pause and say something like, “Now hopefully I won’t mess this up.”

When I hear people say this, I always want to stop and process through it.  On the one hand, I think it is healthy to know ourselves and realize we may need to perform some regular emotional or spiritual “maintenance” to continue our progress.  But, on the other hand, worrying too much about the possibility that we might regress or make a mistake can be discouraging and counterproductive.

Here are a few ideas that can help you “hold on” to your positive changes and moderate your worries:

Trust that you have new learning and new tools.
The changes you’ve made did not just happen randomly.  You put in the effort and called on your capacities to make the changes.  When we make progress, it is very important to take the time to reflect on how we’ve changed and what contributed to that change.  This way we can consciously call on our newly-developed learning and tools whenever we need them in the future.  Questions you can ask yourself to help with this include:

What has shifted inside me?

What did I do that helped this happen?

What have I learned about myself?

How can I support myself to continue this progress?

Create the time and space to regularly reflect on your growth. 
Life can be very busy and when we feel stressed it is easy to fall back on our old patterns and forget to focus on what is most important to us.  Cultivating a practice of checking in with yourself to see how you are doing can be very helpful.  Questions you can ask yourself to help with this include:

How am I doing in regard to my goals?

What is most important to me right now?

What do I need right now to help me be the person I want to be?

Call on others for accountability and support. 
It can be very helpful to share what we are working on with one or two people we trust.   When we feel discouraged or wonder how we are doing, we can process through our thoughts and emotions with them.  Sometimes getting another person’s perspective gives us new insights.  And getting encouragement from those we care about can provide powerful motivation to continue with our forward progress.

What Happens When You Heal

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As my clients heal and learn to live from the strength and wisdom inside of them, I am overjoyed to see how their experience of their lives improves.  Here are just a few of the common improvements I notice:

An increase in energy and motivation.  Once we process through hurtful experiences and learn to be kind to ourselves, it is amazing how much more energy we have. When you are burdened with negative thoughts, it can take a lot of your energy just to get through the day.  Once this energy is freed up, people are often surprised at how much more motivated they feel.

An increase in hope.  Instead of feeling worried or scared about their abilities and their future, people start feeling excited about what is possible for them.  Many discover callings and interests they never even knew were there!

An increase in positive and pro-active actions.  Often clients come to me when they are worried that they are operating from a place of anger, sadness, or “stuckness”.  Sometimes they report feeling as if their reactions seem “too big” for the situations in which they occur.  For example, sometimes people tell me that even a small comment from someone can make them feel very angry or very rejected and they feel unable to free themselves from these feelings.  This is an important sign that some healing needs to take place.  Once people heal and learn to draw upon their inner resources, they are able to stop being reactive and have the energy and insight to proactively create the life they truly desire.

An increase in confidence.  When people first come to coaching, they often feel a sense of hopelessness in their abilities to be who they want to be or to live the lives they want to live.  As they gain tools and practice new ways of operating in sessions and between sessions, they begin to see that they can handle whatever comes their way.  They begin to live with a sense of purpose and peace that can only come from a deep connection to their inner strength and resources.  I am continually awed by what people create when they live in this way!

Yes, people are truly amazing.  This includes YOU.

If you are longing for these kinds of changes in your life, be assured that they are absolutely possible for you!  There are resources inside of you that can help you navigate your life in a hopeful and inspired way.  You just need some tools and some support to help you get there.